Last week, I blogged about distinguishing between the difficult path and the fiery darts. Today, I’m going to write more about traversing that difficult path – even with the ability to discern.
Mostly because I’m traveling that difficult path myself.
(warning: personal post ahead!)
The past few weeks have been a little bit tough for me. First of all, you have to understand that for the past four years, Homey and I have been building our own business. I’m sure that this will come up several more times on the blog, it’s a huge part of my life right now, and I’ve learned more than I could have ever imagined.
So, we have been on this “path” – that includes the business. We knew it would be hard when we started it, and we are still on it now. Starting your own business comes with all kinds of financial and general “life” challenges (working with your spouse – when prior to that he worked at an office; financial strain while you try to make your business work; plus things like kids, dinners, cleaning the house, etc). Thankfully we have navigated these fairly well.
Even if you are traveling on your own path to your own proverbial promised land full of faith, you will still face stressful situations. I think about it like climbing a mountain. Even if you have faith and joy in every step, you can’t change the fact that you are climbing a mountain. The closer you are to the top, the thinner the air gets. Despite your faith, your trust, and your gratitude, the air is still thinner! There is still a great challenge. It is not easy to take each step up.
And this is in no way a statement on your faith or willingness. It’s just a fact about that path (remember! Don’t confuse the path with the fiery darts! The path is the path).
Back to what I was saying before. Two weeks ago, I started having a twinge in my back. I thought I had tweaked it in a workout. Each day it seemed to get worse. It was waking me up at night.
On Saturday night, the pain was enough that I decided I would stay at home from church on Sunday. I got very little sleep, and my pain was acute – even with ibuprofen. Homey took the family out to church. I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood to help loosen up my back.
I had been walking for about ten minutes – feeling really good, actually. And I don’t know what happened, but my ankle just gave out, rolled, and I was doing a long trip and fall (over nothing) while a car was slowly pulling up to the stop sign I was next to. Embarrassing.
Oh I have to also mention, my eczema on my hands had been flaring up. I think that I ate something I was allergic to. So I was really itchy, my back was hurting, and now I found myself on the ground with a sprained ankle.
The woman in the car didn’t laugh at me. She rolled down her window and asked if I needed I ride. I thanked her, and then said no. She went on her way. I sat on the sidewalk for a moment, trying to sum up some pride. A minute later, the same woman pulled up again. She turned around and said, “Let me help you.”
I felt the Spirit whisper Let her help you.
So, she took me home, and I checked out my ankle went to wash my knees (they were bloody from my fall). That’s when I noticed a huge, new, blistering rash on my chest – the left side only – the same side that had been hurting for the last week.
This discovery devastated me. Nothing seems to be working! For years, we have been working so hard. For years I’ve been trying to manage my stress as we have started our own business, started homeschooling the kids, we have sold our house, and nearly every belonging (home, beds, dishes, piano, sewing machine, wedding rings!) – to make this dream work. For years I have tried my best, and I feel joyful and hopeful in my heart, but my body seems to betray me!!!
My husband came home, and I was in so much pain: my back, my hands, my knee, my ankle. And now a new rash. I was telling him about my day, then worrying – what is wrong with my skin? I had no idea, and then I had a thought … it’s shingles.
I realized it had to be shingles – the pain, the blistering rash. My husband and I agreed that we would go to the doctors first thing in the morning (it was Sunday night…) and I felt 10x more defeated than I was feeling earlier in the day.
I told my husband, “I know that the Lord can help us. I know that He will deliver us. I know that He has the power to do anything at any time. But I don’t know if I have the strength to make it. Will I have any skin left? Sometimes I doubt I will be able to physically manage all of this stress. I’m a mess!
Why is it so hard to trust in God?
I received a text from an angel friend:
I hate to admit this, but there are times when I fear – even though I know that fear is completely irrational and faithless. I lack faith – in myself. I know that the Lord can deliver me, but there are times that I doubt me.
Sometimes I think: “Can I make it? Will I fall apart? Will I self-destruct?”
If I let myself think these things, then we know exactly what will happen.
If God thinks I can, then I can.
And I know this because, as my friend mentioned to me – I have had so many experiences where I have weathered the storm, where God enabled me and empowered me to “make it.”
I have experienced His tremendous power time and time again. I’ve seen and experienced miracles and tender mercies. So what if my skin itches? So what if I am a little sick? So what if I have a sprained ankle?
I’ll make it – hobbling and with itchy skin then. I know I can do it because the lord thinks I can do it, and through His grace, He will enable me to do it.
“Fear not! I am with thee
O be not dismayed;
For I am thy God
And will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee
And cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous,
Omnipotent hand.” – How Firm a Foundation
I hope that by sharing my experiences you will also be encouraged to overcome fear. Follow the advice of my wise friend. Remember the miracles you have experienced. Keep walking, keep striving to mountain peaks where God is guiding you to. The air will be thin. You will experience exposure, high wind, and fatigue. But keep walking. The Lord believes in you. You can believe in you, too. And then we can make it to the mountain tops.
I haven’t been super consistent at posting lately. But I feel drawn to blogging again. I sat down to write today, wondering what should I write about? There are so many things to say. There are concerns I have. People are losing their faith in God and their love for one another. Our country is in turmoil.
In January, I decided to break away from Facebook. It started to take a bigger portion of my life than it should have. (read: I was addicted to it). I feel like after eliminating Facebook, I probably freed up about 60-90 minutes of my life!
I also have freed up feelings of anger, frustration, and general depression about this world around me. I turned off my phone, got up and started getting out more and tuning into my family more.
Here’s what’s been going on in my neck of the woods…
I know that life isn’t perfect. And I don’t want to claim that mine is. Am I blessed? Yes! Absolutely!!! Despite my bounteous blessings, this is life, and I’m experiencing my share of trials. However, we can remember this:
“…thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.” – 2 Nephi 2:2
Know the Greatness of God
I guess that this is what I mean by wake up, put down the phone, and get outside. I find that one of the quickest ways to feel God’s greatness is to go out for a walk.
Put down the phone, get off the internet (even before you finish reading this post!) and serve someone else. Into instant gratification? Get out and serve someone else. Nothing is more invigorating or electrifying as feeling the love that God has for all of us, and this comes to us as we serve each other.
And I know what you might be thinking! It’s easy for you to say, Choco, You aren’t dealing with _____[fill in the blank]_______ problems. However, I guarantee that anyone reading this can find someone who is happier than they are while having it worse than they do. When I’m feeling frustrated or down, and I don’t want to let God into my heart, I can’t help but remember Viktor Frankl. Who found purpose and stayed positive to his purpose WHILE IN A CONCENTRATION CAMP!
Know the greatness of God.
He Shall Consencrate Thine Afflictions for Thy Gain
As we come to know the greatness of God, trusting Him follows. We realize and remember that He isn’t just some arbitrary God up in heaven finding some kind of entertainment in our suffering.
He is our Father.
” Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?” – Matthew 7:9-11
If you are a parent, then you should be better able to imagine our Heavenly Father – and why He allows us to endure adversity. No he doesn’t want to see us suffer, but He knows what we will see when we get to the other side of suffering.
Yes, there are horrible things happening in this world around us. But maybe there are some pretty great things, too. Maybe we can take a few minutes to know God, trust Him, and then count the ways that He is consecrating all that we are enduring for our gain.
This blog post is part of a series of posts that will explore the Atonement by studying Christ’s life in the New Testament. If you want to find the assignments, you can download my eBooks for Matthew, Mark, and Luke. (John coming soon.)
The Atonement and Your Personal Relationship with Christ – Assignment for Matthew 5
“1. Christ has officially begun His ministry here. His ministry is a part of His purpose, His goals, and is the set up to His eventual Atonement. Keep this in mind as we study His teachings. See if you can find how the Savior’s teachings fit into the Atonement, plan of Salvation, and your life, personally.
2. Each thing Christ has taught in this chapter, He has modeled Himself. He is the Exemplar. You may consider studying some of these qualities and finding instances where Christ exemplifies them. For example: poor in spirit. Find a time when Christ was poor in spirit. How can you follow His behavior in your own life?” – New Testament Study Companion: Matthew
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
I think that I’ll go about this post in a different way than usual. First of all, the promise…
for they shall see God.
When I think of this promise, my heart fills with hope and joy. I think that it is because I’m a human being. Despite the relationships we have with our parents, I think that we all, at some point, want to know our Fathers, our parents. We want to know that we are loved. We want to know we belong. We want to know that we are accepted.
I grew up without knowing my biological father. Now, I was greatly blessed in that I was adopted at a very young age, and I have never known life without a father. Though I’m not related to my dad by blood, I have had the experience of being loved, accepted, and supported by a dad. Not only is this a blessing, but I believe that it is a right to every child on this earth to have a mother and a father that love them. (See The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)
As grateful as I’ve been to have a dad, there was still something missing. Who did I look like? Why was I short? Though I didn’t really want to push for a relationship with a man who I thought had abandoned me, I sincerely wanted to know my father. No matter who was raising me, there was a part of me, my own identity, that I just did not know. This question, who are you, anyway, Catania? lurked in my head for 31 years.
Then, miraculously, I found my biological father. (On Facebook!) I’m grateful to know Him. I felt like there was a part of me that I was finally discovering. I’m grateful for my dad, my biological father, my step-father, my mom, my step-mom, and all of the people I’ve been blessed with in my life.
I bring up this experience with my father because I think that we all have a similar spiritual experience. I believe that we are innately drawn to understanding God because He is our Spiritual Father. When we understand Him, we understand more of ourselves as we are His offspring.
So – blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. I’m highly motivated to be pure in heart because I yearn for a relationship with my Father in Heaven the same way I’ve always yearned for a relationship with my own dad and biological father.
On with the Beatitude…
Pure In Heart
In the first part of the beatitude, we are instructed that the pure in heart will be blessed. Purity can be understood and achieved in three ways.
So – inherent purity. Seems impossible, and for most people over the age of about 8, I think that it is. To me, inherent purity is the purity exhibited by children.
Think about children. Is there anything more pure than a child?
I’ve been blessed to have a lot of this influence of inherent purity around me in my life right now. Not only am I homeschooling my children (two of whom are five and three), but I’m also serving as a song-teacher to children ages 18 months to 12 years old. I see every week, every day, even, that children are truly pure. They experience this world purely. They feel intense, pure joy, disappointment, or whatever they face.
I’ll give an example. A few weeks ago, in church, I was singing the song “Do as I’m Doing,” in primary. One of the children, a rather rambunctious (yet pure!) boy was the leader. He decided that we would jump.
Since I’m the chorister for these children, I believe in “getting into it.” The real key to teaching children is talking/acting in a way that they can understand. So, as I sang, I jumped up and down: high and low, fast and slow.
Strangely enough, I was consumed with a pure joy as I jumped and sang this simple song. It was the most amazing thing. There was no reason for my joy. I realized that the joy I was experiencing stemmed from the purity of the moment.
I was tempted to feel a little self-conscious. I knew that my hair was flying everywhere. I’m overweight. From an adult’s (less pure!) perspective, I’m sure that I wasn’t a pretty sight. Thankfully, I looked out again at the kids, and realized that the moment was pure and it was joyful. I could choose to let my feelings, spirit, and emotions be clouded by some stupid comparison, or I could remain pure and focus on the intense joy of the moment.
So – the point of this experience is that inherent purity exists. And there are times we allow impurities into our lives by worrying about the expectations and judgments of others. We allow impurity in our lives by focusing on distractions rather than being mindful of the present moment. Children are masters at pure and present living. It is no wonder that Christ tells us to be like children.
While children are pure, and inherent purity exists. The fact of the matter is, most of us are not children and are impure. Yet we are told “blessed are the pure in heart.” Christ doesn’t give us commandments that we can’t keep. He has provided us a way to become pure.
Purity through Refinement and Trial
As we grow up out of childhood and no longer have the advantage of being pure through inexperience and innocence, we begin to discover our many impurities and weaknesses. The Lord require purity, but none of us are pure, so He blesses us with refining experiences.
These experiences are blessings, but not usually all that fun. I mean, this isn’t singing “Do As I’m Doing” and jumping with thirty children.
Refinement is hard, hard stuff.
I think that the best way to understand the refinement and purification process that we go through is when we think of the refinement of a fine metal. Our trials and experiences in life are like the “Refiner’s fire.” When going through such refinement, we are set in a crucible – a hot, hot crucible, and brought to a temperature that we can handle, but is still hot enough to burn away impurities.
Though this process is difficult, I think that it can help to remember the promise of the beatitude, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” This is where gratitude for trial and tribulation come into play. If it weren’t for the crucibles of trials that we experience during our lives, then we wouldn’t be pure. We wouldn’t be made holy. We’d never “see God.”
Purity through the Cleansing Effect of the Atonement
Often, it seems like the trials and tribulations we face in life are not necessarily our fault. They might come through circumstances of mortality (think Cancer…what a crucible!) or they might come through the sins of others. (We don’t do anything in a vacuum). These tribulations refine us in ways that we don’t usually expect.
There is another way to be refined, and it is usually related to ways that we have specifically soiled ourselves. We can be made pure when we apply the purifying effect of the Atonement. In other words, we can be made pure when we repent.
The purification process of repentance occurs when we 1) Exhibit Faith in Christ 2) Repent 3) Covenant with Him in the Waters of Baptism (Which cleanses us) 4) Receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost (Which sanctifies us). After being baptized and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, we can renew our baptismal covenant each week by partaking of the Sacrament. This will help us to become pure each week, even though we often soil ourselves through sin time and time again.
What all this has to do with the Atonement
I want to understand this beatitude within the context of the Atonement, so we’ll look at each aspect of purity and think of the Savior and His Sacrifice.
Christ was inherently pure. We know this because He never sinned. The scriptures describe His trial and crucifixion as “a lamb to the slaughter.” (See Isaiah 53:7 and Luke 23:8-9.)
Refinement and Trial
Christ, though already pure, went through a continued refinement throughout his life. It reached a peak in the Atonement. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He suffered all of our sins and infirmities – to the point that He bled from every pore. He was mocked, judged, and then crucified. All unjustly. But it strengthened him and purified Him to the point that He could then become the Savior of the world. If He didn’t go through this process, then He wouldn’t have been able to redeem us. He wouldn’t have finished His work. And He wouldn’t have inherited God’s glory.
It’s hard to imagine how exacting, how excruciating his crucible was!
The purity that came from this experience, though, enabled Him to be able to Return to His Father in glory. Additionally, this experience enabled Him to enable us – we are strengthened through Christ because He experienced all and knows how to succor us. (See Alma 7:11-12.)
Cleansing and the Atonement
So – we already know that Christ was pure. Why would he have to go through the process of cleansing?
Hopefully, I can express what I think in a way that makes sense.
When Christ went into the Garden of Gethsemane, he took on our sins. So – even though He had never committed a sin, because He took ours on, he was now technically impure.
“That he came into the world, even Jesus, to be crucified for the world, and to bear the sins of the world, and to sanctify the world, and to cleanse it from all unrighteousness;” – Doctrine and Covenants 76:41, emphasis added
“And he shall come into the world to redeem his people; and he shall take upon him the transgressions of those who believe on his name; and these are they that shall have eternal life, and salvation cometh to none else.” – Alma 11:40, emphasis added
“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” – Isaiah 53:4-5, emphasis added
In no way do I suggest that Christ was impure, in and of Himself. No. He, like the sacrificial lamb, was perfect. However, once He took on our sins, He had to finish His work. He took on our sins. He allowed our sins to soil Him because He knew that only He would have the strength or capacity to purify them.
Because He took on our sins, He could perform the Atonement. This process allows the blood that He shed in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross to cleanse us.
“I say unto you, ye will know at that day that ye cannot be saved; for there can no man be saved except his garments are washed white; yea, his garments must be purified until they are cleansed from all stain, through the blood of him of whom it has been spoken by our fathers, who should come to redeem his people from their sins.” – Alma 5:21
And, Christ, who did perform the excruciating work of purification for us has invited us:
“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” – Isaiah 1:18
Christ because He was pure, took on our sins, infirmities, and impurities of every kind. In doing so, He suffered, bled, died. Then, three days later, He triumphed over death and hell extending us the ability to also become pure through Him.
Isn’t this the best thing ever? Like the best news ever. I can’t help but feel hopeful joy knowing that I have a Savior who has done so much for me
Finally, we are back where we started. The promise of this beatitude is that the pure in heart will see God. We will know our Father. We will be reunited with Him. We will find joy and identity.
What does purity mean to you? How have you been able to embrace life’s difficulties an let trials help make you pure? How have you been able to employ the purifying power of the Atonement in your life?
It was March 17th, there was a dusting of snow still on the ground from the storm the day before, and Homey and I were at my house…shooting the breeze. Well, actually Homey was on one knee, shaking, and sweating despite the fact that it was only 65° in my house.
Homey held up an open ring box, with a diamond ring sparkling, and demanded, Marry me!
I started to say yes, but then laughed, realizing that he left me no option to say yes or no. I motioned for him to get up, started putting on the ring, or maybe I was hugging him…I don’t know. I can’t really remember the details. But I’m sure that we were kissing and that we were so mushy that you would have needed a barf bucket if you were there. It was the best.
Before Homey had come out to PA, we had given ourselves a curfew, and we were getting really close to it. So we hugged, kissed, celebrated, and then Homey left for the night.
I wanted to call him right away. Instead, I started texting him. We texted back and forth until we couldn’t stay awake anymore.
I was engaged…to be married.
I went to my bed, alone, realizing that this experience was limited. Everything in my home was different. I wouldn’t walk up my creaky stairs many more times. I wouldn’t be sleeping alone much longer. I wouldn’t be checking my phone every three seconds to see if I had a text from Homey. Soon enough, I’d be moving to Arizona, and we’d be together. In fact, we’d be together forever.
I wasn’t on cloud nine. I was on cloud nine-hundred ninety nine.
The rest of the weekend was a blur of happiness and excitement as I showed off my engagement ring and told everyone my big announcement. With every repetition of the phrase, “We’re engaged!” the fact that I was engaged felt more real.
Homey went back to AZ, and we continued to email and talk on the phone, but now our conversations were laced with real plans. It was an exciting time.
One of the first things I had to do to prepare for our wedding was talk to my bishop about canceling my temple marriage to Rusty. Here’s the thing, marriages performed in the Mormon temple are considered to be eternal. When we are married, the priest performing the wedding doesn’t say, “’til death do you part.” Instead, under proper authority, this priest is sealing a husband and wife as a married partnership together forever. This scripture explains:
“And verily, verily, I say unto you, that whatsoever you seal on earth shall be sealed in heaven; and whatsoever you bind on earth, in my name and by my word, saith the Lord, it shall be eternally bound in the heavens;…” – Doctrine and Covenants 132:46
Marriage isn’t only a social construct. It is ordained of God. It is a covenant, the crowning covenant, that we can make during our mortal lives. Marriage is an eternal covenant made between God, husband, and wife. Getting married in the temple isn’t just a wedding. The temple marriage is a significant and sacred covenant. Divorce isn’t really meant to be an option.
Elder Oaks explained,
““Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery” (Matthew 19:8–9).
The kind of marriage required for exaltation—eternal in duration and godlike in quality—does not contemplate divorce. In the temples of the Lord, couples are married for all eternity. But some marriages do not progress toward that ideal. Because “of the hardness of [our] hearts,” the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard. He permits divorced persons to marry again without the stain of immorality specified in the higher law. Unless a divorced member has committed serious transgressions, he or she can become eligible for a temple recommend under the same worthiness standards that apply to other members.” – Dallin H. Oaks
So, if we are living the way that we should, then we would have no need of divorce. We would not enter into a covenant that we didn’t mean to keep. If we are serious about our commitment to God, then we will be serious about our commitment to our spouses, even when it is difficult. When we truly accept the gospel and the covenant of temple marriage, we rely on the Atonement to aid in our marriages.
Even though my story is ultimately a happy one, divorce has always brought confusion and sadness in my life.
Divorce isn’t ideal, but Heavenly Father knew that people wouldn’t keep their covenants. He knew that there would be victims. He knew that there would be a need for divorce, so He allows for it under certain circumstances, but it isn’t meant to be a quick solution.
In the Mormon tradition, when a man and woman who have been married in the temple are legally divorced, the blessings and obligations of the temple covenant are not automatically revoked. Only someone with authority from God can cancel the temple marriage. As the Savior teaches,
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. – Matthew 19:6
Because the temple marriage isn’t instantly revoked at the time of a legal divorce, Mormons go through another process. Often, it is referred to as a “temple divorce.” However, as I began my own process, I soon learned the true name of this process: the cancellation of temple blessings. What a difference this makes. “Temple divorce”- sounds pretty cut and dry – sign a paper, and voila… However, “Cancellation of Temple Blessings” sounds more difficult. I don’t want to lose out on my blessings. I don’t want the covenants that I have made and kept to be cancelled. For this reason, most people do not receive a cancellation of temple blessings when they are divorced. Instead, they wait until they can be re-married, so as not to lose the benefit of such covenants.
I had not broken my covenant with God nor with Rusty; therefore, I still received the blessings of this covenant. These covenants are very sacred, so I can’t really spell it out to you, but I can tell you that I was protected throughout my marriage to Rusty, throughout my divorce, and throughout my life as a single woman. Someone asked me what good my temple marriage had been since my marriage had ended in divorce anyway. To this person, I proclaimed, It wasn’t the temple that failed me; it wasn’t God that failed me. It was Rusty. I have lived worthy of my covenant, and can still appeal to God for all of the blessings of the New and Everlasting Covenant…What good was my temple marriage? It led me to be closer to my God, the temple has infused my life with the Spirit. And the Spirit has saved me – literally and spiritually.
So, I was being blessed by this covenant, but now that Homey was in my life, I knew that I wanted to be able to make this covenant with him. In order for this to occur, I needed to see my Bishop and begin the process of a cancellation of temple blessings.
In some ways, this process was exciting. I would be getting married soon! I was moving on! My prayers were being answered. But for the next six weeks, I would feel so much stress – the stress of completing all of the components of this process, and the spiritual stress that also accompanies all big changes. It was a challenging process. There were three main ways that the cancellation process kind of scared me.
One – The Process itself
First of all, the process of a cancellation of temple blessings is exhausting. I had to meet more often with the bishop. I had to have extended worthiness interviews. Old “stuff” that I hadn’t thought of in years was brought back to light. I had to write a letter to the First Presidency. My bishop would have to get in touch with Rusty. My bishop would have to get in touch with Homey’s Bishop. After all of this, I’d then have to have an interview with the Stake President.
The Stake President and Bishop would also send letters to the First Presidency and give their thoughts.
My request, forms, and letters would all be sent on to General Authorities, and they would evaluate everything. Prayerfully, a decision would be made by the First Presidency. They’d send me back a letter, and I’d know if they had agreed to cancel the temple blessings or not. It was a long process that required a lot of work.
Homey and I prayed about it and decided to set a date for our marriage. We didn’t know if I would be granted a cancellation of temple blessings. We decided to act in faith. I had kept my covenants. I knew that God would keep His, too.
So. I met with my bishop, and I started the process. The first thing I had to do was write a letter to the prophet. If you are not Mormon, you need to understand how huge this is. Essentially, I had to write a letter to the Pope. The only one who can revoke the covenant of a temple marriage is the prophet. Yikes!
I wrote my letter to the Prophet and First Presidency of the church. You can read more about that experience here. I sent a copy of this letter to Homey. I was so happy to receive his response.
Catania, this email is gonna be brief. I just want to thank you so much for sending me a copy of your letter to the First Presidency. You are an AMAZING woman. I’m so lucky. ohmygosh I will never forget how lucky I am. I LOVE YOU more than raccoons love shiny stuff in a box.” – Homey to Catania, March 2007
Not only was it nice to hear Homey talk about how much he loved me, I’m so glad that he compared himself to a raccoon. He really was my kind of guy.
Two – An Unwanted Reminder
Even though Homey was supportive of me, and even though he knew my past, the process of a temple cancellation was a constant reminder to me and to Homey of my past.
Sometimes, I just wanted to pretend that I had never been married before. I wanted to be pure. I didn’t want a shadow to hang over my relationship with Homey. For the most part, this was possible. Rusty was such a distant memory that it never came up between Homey and me.
However, when we began the process of the temple cancellation, there was no getting around the constant reminder of my first marriage, my past life, and I kept worrying that Homey would be turned off by all of this. Homey was, after all, a bachelor who had never been married. Would all of this talk about Rusty and my first marriage make Homey realize that I was tainted meat? that I was worthless?
Just when my worrying and fear would reach a fever pitch, I’d get an email from Homey and be comforted by his words:
“I just barely fell asleep on the couch and had a dream that we were married…and we were at the golf practice facility hitting golf balls. My oldest bro was there with his kids (this will probably happen because he lives in Tucson and loves golf), and Tiger and Panda were there running around with them. This one will definitely all come true in just a few short months. Anyway…it was good because it feels so right every way I think about us together.” – Homey to Me, March 23, 2007)
Or…Just when I was sure he’d realize I was “tainted meat” and that he was “settling,” he’d say something like this:
“Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons for getting married.
We’re getting married because I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved and God’s plan for us is that we are married to one oanother to obtain all the eternal covenants, blessings, and ordinances that Heavnely Father has outlined for us. I want to be with you all the time. And if I HAVE to go to work, then I want to be with you the rest of the time (other than maybe a round of golf here and there… 😉 I really truly love you. you’re not pregnant, we won’t have (much) financial security, I’m not lonely, and I don’t live with my parents…so it must be love. 🙂 – Homey to Me, 29 March 2007
Even though our meeting was unconventional, it was right. Through the process of the cancellation of temple blessings, I was learning that all of the afflictions I had experienced in life were consecrated for my gain. (See 2 Nephi 2:2.) I began to learn (and frankly, I’m still learning this) that I didn’t need to fear. I could trust God, and I could trust Homey.
Three – The Usual Fear that Comes from the Adversary
Besides the constant reminder of my divorce and the process of the cancellation, I was facing a third challenge: the Adversary. This challenge proved to be the most difficult.
It seems like from the second that Homey proposed to me (well, the second he got back on the plane to AZ), I was bombarded with doubts. I have already discussed some of the doubts (about divorce, etc.) I constantly worried about my worthiness. I worried that the cancellation of temple blessings wouldn’t happen. Some of the people who should have supported me proved to be the biggest problems. I was constantly second guessing myself.
Worst of all, my cold feet returned, and with a vengeance. I began to wonder, Do I love Homey? Really? Will I really be happy with a man, or am I happier without one?
I came to the conclusion that I was in love.
Which led to another doubt, Should I really be marrying Homey, or am I blinded by Love? I have always been so blind. I’m a terrible judge. Perhaps I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.
I wanted a “big” sign that this was right. But instead I was simply feeling a quiet sense of peace. I had to remind myself of the miraculous nature of a quiet sense of peace.
One Saturday, I went to the temple. I was feeling burdened with all of the stresses coming in my life. By then, I had quit my job, and I was already living with my mom again. In some ways, major decisions had been made that I couldn’t “unmake.” I still didn’t know if our wedding would happen. I was still waiting to hear from the First Presidency on the cancellation. I was overcome by my emotions and stress.
I walked into the temple sad. Sadder than I had been in a very long time. Would I be able to feel peace without the nagging of doubts?
I attended the temple, and my heart began to settle. I was reminded that I could trust God. He is a God of Miracles. He created the Earth; surely He could perform the miracles I still needed in my life. I felt his love, and by the time I was leaving the temple, I without really knowing it, I started singing a song in my head,
“You can make the pathway bright,
Fill the soul with heaven’s light,
If there’s sunshine in your heart;
Turning darkness into day,
As the shadows fly away,
If there’s sunshine in your heart today.
f there’s sunshine in your heart,
You can send a shining ray
That will turn the night to day;
And your cares will all depart,
If there’s sunshine in your heart today. – You Can Make the Pathway Bright, Helen Silcott Dungan
I hummed the song as I walked to my car. When I got in the car, I sat down and said a silent prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for the chance to go to the temple. Suddenly, the song I was singing dawned on me. I know that the song was Heavenly Father’s way of telling me that things were okay. Instead of worrying, I could make the pathway bright by allowing God’s sunshine in my heart.
I also realized that we have agency. Even when the Lord blesses us, we have agency. We don’t have to accept the gifts that God gives us. Heavenly Father had personally answered my petitions and prayers (and Homey’s), and allowed us to meet and court one another. While this was an answer to my prayer, I didn’t have to accept the gift. I could still walk away. However, I knew that Homey was a miracle and a gift, and if I chose to walk away from this blessing, I might not receive another.
Though so much of my future would be an act of faith, I could trust in God. I could be happy. I could scatter sunshine. I knew that His hand had been in my life up to this point, and that as long as I continued to come to Him, His hand would stay in my life–guiding me, stabilizing me, reaching out to me in love.
A final excerpt from an email from Me to Homey:
“I read a quote today–from Boyd K. Packer. It included the following scripture, “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear,” (Doctrine and Covenants 38:30). I realized that I need to take this to heart. Sometimes I get afraid, Homey. Sometimes I’m afraid that the temple cancellation won’t happen. Sometimes I’m afraid that we won’t be able to get married for a while, and that we’ll miss Cancun, and that it will be difficult. Sometimes I get afraid that moving is going to be too difficult and hard. Deep in my heart, I know that these fears are unfounded and wrong. They are, quite honestly, Satan’s stupid whisperings. He’s trying to get me down. He tries in so many ways. But today’s quote helped me to know how I can overcome my fears–BE PREPARED. I have a bit to do for preparation, and it’s a good thing that I have 53 days to do it. That’s plenty of time. And this helps me have confidence. I’m grateful for the adversities that we are facing together. It helps me to love you even more. It helps me to see that our love and marriage are wonderful things. I know Heavenly Father is happy about them. He is the one who set us up! I know that we still have more to overcome. And I know that if I continue to put my confidence in the Lord, supporting you as you also put your confidence in the Lord, then we will be able to work together. It is exciting, Homey. I’m realzing–instead of me being the only one–the only one to receive revelation, the only one to feel the Spirit–I will have you, too. I know that you can lead me, and that I can trust you. It’s exciting–we’re going to be married. We’re going to be “one flesh.” We’re going to be united. I’m really happy about that. I have a lot to learn about this. I think that I come from a deficit because I learned bad habits. This experience will help me to learn how to be a good wife, I think–and how to truly trust in both the Lord and in His Priesthood.” – Me To Homey, 27 March 2007
And this is what happened…we struggled as we waited, together, on other sides of the country, to see if we would be able to get married in the temple. Every day, I checked my mail. Every day I prayed. Every day I wondered, will we be married at the Washington, D.C. Temple in May? Will we be able to celebrate with friends and family? Will we go to Cancun? or…will we tell our friends and family to cancel their plans? Will we have to postpone the trip to Cancun?
Week four of my joy project…also I’ll be posting other stuff soon. I know that it has been a lot of this lately. Sorry. I’ve got to get back on a good schedule. Life has been life lately.
January 20, 2014 – A Happy Birthday
Today we celebrated the T-Rex’s birthday. The girls had the day off of school, and Homey had work off, so we were able to hang out together as a family. We had so much fun doing all sorts of activities chosen by T-Rex. We went to the dog park, the duck pond, and the Phoenix Temple. We got haircuts, ate cake and played wii. I love this little boy.
The T-Rex was so cute at the duck pond and the dog park. While at the duck pond, he cheered and jumped up and down, so excited to see the ducks. I handed him a piece of bread, and he was too excited to think and break it into pieces. Instead, he chucked that entire slice into the water and laughed as a horde of ducks fought over it. We all laughed as we saw the entire slice sailing through the air.
Joy is having a little boy in our house full of girls. Joy is an active, happy, curious, playful son. Joy is my T-Rex. He’s always full-throttle, no matter what he’s doing. Joy is seeing a child happily experience this world in his own distinct way.
January 21, 2014 – Flowers and Temples
I know, nearly every entry is either kids or running. That’s a lot of what I do. Well, I actually do a lot more than those two things, but both kids and running are such consistent forms of joy in my life.
Interestingly enough, both kids and trail running are really hard. Perhaps why they can also offer so much joy.
I love seeing unexpected things on my run. Today, I saw some pretty purple flowers. Winter time is a lively time in the desert. Flowers are blooming and bees are buzzing. It was nice to look down, and see these tiny purple flowers.
They can teach us something, don’t you think? They inhabit such a desolate, harsh world. The Sonoran Desert isn’t really the easiest place to thrive. Yet these flowers were prolific among the rocks. They don’t long for a “better” place to live. They simply bloom where they are planted and make the world a better place in the little way they know how.
I can do the same. We can all do the same. Imagine what this world would be like if we were all happier to bloom where we are planted, if we were happy to be little purple desert flowers, instead of all competing to be giant American Beauty roses. Peace on earth won’t be achieved through meetings by talking heads and world leaders. It won’t be achieved through war, sanctions, or regulations. Equality isn’t going to come simply as a result of laws and executive orders. If we want lasting peace and unity, we simply need to beautify the little corners of the world we live in.
This little purple flower isn’t much to look at on its own. The profound effect comes from hundreds, thousands of little purple flowers blooming and spreading across the desert floor.
Joy is going on a trail run, breathing hard, feeling my legs burn, and then finding that place where I can let God and nature teach me that it’s okay if I’m not famous or important. Joy is knowing that a nameless, purple desert flower is beautiful and makes a difference in her world.
January 22, 2014 – Varicose Veins
I’ll spare you a picture.
It sounds like a strange thing to find joy in. And, admittedly, I usually complain about my varicose veins. They are unsightly. They hurt.
But I’m convinced that joy and pain are opposing forces – which means that even though they are different, they are connected. So…if I believe this, then it is possible to find joy even in pain; gladness even in misery.
Which brings me to my varicose vein.
After long runs, my veins tend to throb. Because I have been training for a marathon, my varicose vein has been especially sensitive. I woke up feeling them throb, and wanted to complain. But then I wondered, where’s the joy in my painful, ugly, throbbing varicose vein?
Of course, I could say, I’m grateful for my varicose veins because at least I have legs. At least my varicose veins aren’t worse, etc. But I wanted to find more than that.
And I realized, my varicose veins are physical proof–of my motherhood. They were a result of my first pregnancy and have gotten worse with each repeated pregnancy. Of course, in the past, I’ve been prone to say, “Dang kids, they ruined my body!” And, it’s true, my body is forever changed because of child bearing.
However, instead of being frustrated by my transformation, I’ll find joy. My varicose vain is a battle wound that I’ll wear with valor. When it throbs and aches, I’ll think of the children that I bore. It is physical evidence of both the temporal and spiritual transformation I have undergone through motherhood. Just as my veins are a little more worn and tender, my heart is more worn and tender. The sacrifice is more than worth it.
Oh…and not only that…but my varicose veins are reminders. They are reminders of my miraculous body, good health, a functioning nervous and cardiovascular system.
Joy is knowing that even the annoyances I face in life can be blessings. They might be symbols or reminders of sacrifices I’ve made. They might be blessings, in and of themselves. Joy is knowing that I have an able body that has been able to withstand the trauma and miracle of childbirth.
January 23, 2014 – Adventures
I’ve started a new tradition with the little ones…adventures. (Mom tip: when you call mundane activities and outings adventures they seem awesome.)
We decided to go to the flower shop for today’s adventure. There is a little flower shop near my house. Sasquatch, T-Rex and I visited it. Sasquatch was so cute and excited. We looked at the many varieties of flowers, the displays, the balloons, and decor. We walked into the refrigerated section where Sasquatch and T-Rex each found a flower to buy. T-Rex chose a red gerber daisy because it was the same color as Mario. (He’s obsessed with nintendo…). Sasquatch chose a yellow rose.
The woman at the flower shop was so nice. She talked to the kids like they were adults. She carefully wrapped each flower. She asked Sasquatch questions, and my heart burned to see Sasquatch communicate with the florist like a little adult.
Joy is adventures with your little kids. It is finding the wonder in life – which we so often pass by.
January 24, 2014 – Date Night
Usually Tiger babysits for our date night, but she had a party, so we had a “date night in”. Actually, it was just what the doctor ordered.
We picked up some Rubio’s and a Redbox. I sat and crocheted as Homey fell asleep during the movie. Perfection, if you ask me.
Joy is a date night with Homey. While I love going out (I really do), there is an inexplicable joy about a quiet night at home–where you don’t have to talk, you don’t have to think, you can just be. This kind of joy really only comes as you age with your spouse. Homey and I have only been together for 6.5 years. We have a long way to go, but I am so grateful for his companionship.
January 25, 2014 – Correction
Another lesson from a trail run.
As I embarked on my run, I heard a woman screaming, cursing, and threatening her children. I was embarrassed and angry. Everything in my soul wanted to walk up to the woman and ask her what her problem was. Homey and the family were with me.
“I’m going to say something to her. This is out of control.” I said to Homey.
“Just leave her alone.” He warned.
I listened to him. I didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t want to make it worse for her children.
But I couldn’t get them out of my mind. As I ran up the trail, I thought of what I should have said. I thought of my brother, who was taken from this world at the age of 18. If she knew that the little ones she was cursing out with the vilest of profanity would only live to the age of 18, is that what she’d choose to say to them?
I prayed and asked for forgiveness, sorry that I didn’t stand up for those little ones.
I wondered what would Jesus have done?
In my mind, I felt like He wouldn’t have confronted the woman. However, He wouldn’t have ignored her, either. Instead, He would have served her.
Next time, if I overhear a woman, frustrated, at her wit’s end, cursing her children, instead of passing judgment and professing on how I think she ought to conduct her life, I’ll just ask, Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do to help you? (or something along those lines). I will extend her true, Christ-like love and serve her.
I was frustrated with myself for ignoring the situation. I prayed that the children would be protected; that the mother would calm down. I prayed that they would all be able to be happy. And I asked Heavenly Father to forgive me for passing judgment. Because I passed judgment, I also passed up a chance to serve.
Joy is knowing that Heavenly Father will correct you, if you will let Him.
January 26, 2014
Today, Tiger gave a talk in church. I meant to get a picture, but the day was crazy. I ended up spraining my ankle after my trail run on Saturday. I had three sick children. I went to sacrament to hear Tiger’s talk and then left.
This was Tiger’s first talk.
Tiger spoke on gratitude. She gave an organized, interesting talk. She cited the scriptures and applied lessons. She inspired everyone to be more grateful and to live up to the blessings that come to a grateful heart. It was pretty awesome.
Joy is watching your children bloom into these people. Joy is seeing your child become an individual who thinks and acts on her own accord. Joy is seeing that this individual that you are raising is choosing the right. Joy is listening to and learning from your offspring.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with my sister when she said, “Oh my gosh. Catania. Did you hear about what happened in Boston? At the Boston Marathon?”
“No. What’s up?”
“It was bombed.”
I couldn’t believe it. I went to the computer and found a news story. Instantly, my heart ached for the people who were suffering and worrying. My dad works in Boston, and I have to admit that I was happy to remember that he was out of town. Then, I started thinking about the race. A few years ago, I ran a marathon in Baltimore, MD. I have to say, the event was amazing. There were thousands of people lined up in the streets, running…running for their health, running because they are competitive, running to honor passed friends, running to raise money for diseases. It seemed to me that every person out there was running for a good reason. Most people who run a marathon won’t come close to winning, but they’re still there–happy to run. Running a marathon is about discipline, mental toughness, physical exertion, and accomplishment. It’s really amazing.
When I thought of Boston, I thought of all the people-who in one second were reveling in the denouement of months of training. Then, the next second, they were afraid for their lives. This doesn’t make any sense to me at all.
I don’t understand terrorists. I don’t understand how people could be filled with so much hate and anger. I don’t understand the darkness of a soul that would choose to hurt so many people at random. It honestly makes no logical sense to me. Why can’t we let happy people be happy? Why is it that there are so many people who want to pull others down rather than build each other up? My mind aches when I think of those who have been hurt.
This Boston situation isn’t all, either. It seems like there is always something horrible happening. School shootings. Bombings. Drug Wars. Kidnapping. Child Abuse. I could go on, but I won’t. We already know it all.
Today, I went on a run/hike in the trails near my home. It was a gloriously beautiful morning. I had been thinking of those in Boston as I began my own ascent into the hills. It felt good to breathe hard, to feel my thighs sting, as I climbed. I prayed for a while as I ran. Then, listened to a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf – The Hope of God’s Light. I felt especially touched by this quote:
“There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things.1 It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.”
I experienced a bit of an object lesson as I listened to this talk. I walked up the mountain, in the shadows. The hike caused me to breathe heavily. I was getting goosebumps as a breeze blew past me. Yet, I knew that there was light on the other side. As long as I kept walking, I’d soon catch my breath and bask in the sun.
And I did.
Step by step, I climbed the mountain, and soon saw the amazing view of the valley, including the temple in the distance.
Despite the horrible things that happen in this world – whether they are natural disasters or things that we do to one another, I was filled with warmth as I remembered that God loves us. As we seek Him and our Savior, our hearts can be filled with hope even during the darkest times. While we mourn those who are victims – in Boston and elsewhere – we can also be comforted by Christ: His light, His life, His Resurrection. He is our hope.
Listen to this talk by President Uchtdorf…it will lift your spirits.
General Conference will be here soon. Are you excited? I am. 🙂 I would like to share a few thoughts I had from a conference talk last October.
I always love every single talk, but it was during Elder Hales’s talk that my ears really perked up. He said:
“I have often pondered, Why is it that the Son of God and His holy prophets and all the faithful Saints have trials and tribulations, even when they are trying to do Heavenly Father’s will? Why is it so hard, especially for them? … As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we ‘wait upon the Lord.’” – Robert D. Hales
There are so many things to say about this talk and this quote, but I have been thinking about the concept of “waiting” in general. Waiting takes time. It takes patience. Those are hard for me. However, during a trial, I think that we can learn to pass the time effectively. When we do, we will be renewed and comforted.
There are many ways to pass the time: prayer, service, scripture study. However, I would like to really talk about one way to pass the time while waiting on the Lord….Temple Attendance
We pass the time while waiting through regular temple attendance. Going to the temple nourishes our souls with holy blessings, and help from beyond this world.
Last year, I found out that my dad and step-mom were getting a divorce. They had been married for over twenty years. My heart ached for my dad. He was surprised when she wanted to leave. I knew that it was kind of tough for him. As everything was unfolding, I said a prayer for him. Before kneeling down, I felt a little frustrated – my dad isn’t Mormon. He is Catholic, but doesn’t go to church much. My brothers have been baptized, but don’t really go to church. I felt alone in my prayers. Even though I know that every prayer has power, I wished that there would be more of us united in prayer for my father. I kind of felt hopeless.
However, as I prayed, I was filled with this sense – I wasn’t the only one praying for my dad. I had done the work of My ancestors. They knew and loved my father. They were praying, too. I was overwhelmed with love and hope. Prayer doesn’t only transcend distance. It could transcend the veil of mortality and death. We could be united in prayer. I knew that I wasn’t the only one praying. It is because of consistent temple attendance that I was blessed with this comforting knowledge.
There are times when attending the temple can be difficult. There are physical limitations – especially if you live a long distance from the temple. Other times, the trials we face may tempt us into thinking that we don’t want to go to the temple: that we won’t find the peace and blessings we desire there. I testify to you that this idea is false.
Years ago, a month after my husband left me, I attended the temple with my ward. I didn’t want to go, but my Bishop very strongly encouraged me. I was sad, and afraid. The temple is about families being sealed together forever, and I was getting ready to file for a divorce. But I went.
I won’t pretend like it was easy. It was an incredibly difficult trip. I lived in Philadelphia at the time, and our temple was the Washington D.C. temple. Our stake had reserved busses for this stake temple day, and months before, my husband and I reserved our seats. By the time the temple trip arrived, He was gone, and I boarded that bus alone. Most of the other people who were in on the bus were there with their companions. I felt a little sad, but on the plus side, I got a whole bench to myself! When we got to the temple, the pain that I felt was even more pronounced – as I saw many happy couples worshipping and serving together. I was alone. I had never been “alone” – a divorced, single woman – in the temple before.
Yet, waiting upon the Lord through temple service wasn’t all bad news. Even though it was hard, and I felt pain, the blessing of the temple calmed me that day. I was assured that – even though the path would be very hard – I would be blessed with a worthy companion. I knew that I needed to come back to the temple often to receive that blessing. The Lord assured me that waiting upon Him would be worthwhile despite the difficulty. And it was!
I knew that rescue from this trial wouldn’t be immediate, but I was blessed with strengthened faith – which helped me to endure. This was not a one time blessing. It seemed like after a while I needed to refill my spiritual gas tank. Repeated, regular temple attendance nourished me as I tried to keep pushing forward in the midst of the trial of being a single, divorced mother.
If you find yourself in the midst of trials, try going to the temple. It may be hard, but there is peace and strength that comes from temple service.